And so it begins….

And so it begins….

So I am literally the worst blogger in the world for not having updated this blog in nearly 2 months! I think if I’m honest I needed a time out. Time to process where my head was at. Until I’d done that I just found it impossible to put words to paper. Nothing sounded right. But now I’m back and honestly I feel like I’m in the best place I’ve been in for a long while! I’m happy. For the first time in ages I can actually say those two words and truly mean it. It feels freeing and it feels GOOD.

Now for an update!

Noah is now nearly 2 years and 4 months old and he is amazing but also hitting the terrible twos majorly! He is adorably cheeky and learning new words and phrases all the time. We have to be extra careful what we say now! Like, for example, the other day Jamie was driving and someone pulled out in front of us nearly causing us to crash and J yelled out “You idiot!!”. Well for the next half hour Noah was angrily yelling “udiot!” to anyone we passed. Luckily I don’t think they realised what he was actually saying. Least I hope not. He’s also so caring, telling us to “be careful!” even if all we’re doing is brushing our teeth.

He’s loving nursery and even has a mini best friend! She goes the same day as him on Wednesdays and his face quite literally lights up when he sees her and he barely even notices me waving goodbye. And so it begins….

Speaking of beginnings….we also have an update on another aspect of our lives. We have officially started our frozen embryo transfer cycle to try for baby number 2! On Wednesday I had a day 21 triptorelin injection to start down regulation and we are on schedule for a transfer in the middle of May! The next stage is to wait for my period to arrive, ring the clinic on day 1 and they’ll book me in to start on estrogen tablets 3 times a day. Before we began I was incredibly nervous but now I’m feeling positive and excited and praying that this is the start of an exciting new chapter for our family!

So that’s you pretty much caught up! I’ll be sure to update more on our FET cycle in more detail and on our family.

Hope anyone who reads this is in a happy place in their lives. If you’re not, don’t be afraid to reach out to people or to take time out for yourselves. Whatever you need.

xoxo

Plans!

Plans!

So excited to share an important date we have in our diaries for next year! Over the weekend I contacted our fertility clinic and booked in the first appointment to get the process going for our frozen embryo transfer! The appointment will be on the 12th March 2019 and we can expected to have our transfer roughly a couple of months after that.

I feel unbelievably excited! It feels like forever that I have wanted to give Noah a sibling and now we finally have some plans in place! And March really doesn’t feel all that long away and by the time Christmas has been and gone, it will fly by!

I am nervous about it too, mainly the possibility that it won’t be successful, but I am doing my best to think positively. I can’t wait for it all. Even the injections. I can’t wait to be pregnant again. To feel the initial flutters, then kicks, to know that a new life is growing inside me. I loved being pregnant with Noah. It was an amazing feeling and honestly one of the best periods of my life.

I can’t wait for the scans, the preparations and the general excitement. I may be getting ahead of myself but, to be honest, I don’t care! I’d rather be over excited and over optimistic than anxious that all may not go to plan.

I just find it so surreal to think that, right now, Noah’s potential brother or sister is frozen in a lab at our clinic. I just hope and pray that one day soon we get to meet them.

Infertility when you already have a child

Infertility when you already have a child

When we were trying to conceive our first baby, I used to dream of the day when we would finally have our child in our arms. I used to tell myself that it didn’t matter if we never had another, that I would just be grateful that we could be parents at all. And of course I am, unbelievably so. After 4 years of trying on and off and one round of IVF, Noah is our little miracle. The dream that finally came true.

However, lately, I have become incredibly broody for a second child. I have to confess that we never bothered with contraception after Noah was born because, with our infertility issues (male factor) there didn’t seem to be much point. Plus I always hated how the hormonal contraception made me feel anyway. We knew we were risking an unplanned pregnancy and a shorter age gap than planned but we did so happily. If it was meant to be it would be and we would cope. We would be incredibly lucky.

But 21 months on and, of course, there has been nothing. Not even a hint of a second line on a pregnancy test. We have been trying again “properly” for a couple of months but, if we’re honest, I don’t think either of us holds out much hope for a natural conception. We’ve just come to accept it as the way things are for us. Jamie, I think, has more acceptance of it than me. He’s readily admitted that he’d be quite content if Noah was our only child, but I have this burning desire for one more. To feel more…..complete, somehow.

Even though I’ve accepted that more treatment is the most probable route for us and I’m excited to one day use one of our frozen embryos, it doesn’t make the pain any easier. I didn’t bank on feeling the pain of infertility quite so harshly the second time around. I thought it would be easier because, as everyone likes to remind me, “at least you have Noah.”. However, every time I watch him engrossed in play, I imagine what it would be like to watch him play with a sibling. Every time I see him display affection towards another child or an animal, I imagine how it would make my heart melt to see him be so tender and caring towards a baby brother or sister. Of course I’m aware that it may not all be roses and rainbows and there may well be some good old sibling rivalry along the way, but I so badly want him to experience that. I don’t want him to grow up alone.

I was an only child for 12 years before my two sisters and brother came along. And whilst they were still happy years, I was elated when my sister Maddie made her appearance. I was in love. The pride I felt as a big sister was second to none. Then two years later Molly arrived followed by Ben and I saw them experience their childhood together in a way I never experienced and it was magical. I just hope that Noah gets to experience the same.

Every time I see another pregnancy announcement on Facebook or hear of a baby being born, it breaks my heart a little. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for the couples involved but, yes, there’s always that tinge of sadness. It takes me right back to those gut wrenching feelings we experienced when trying originally. I feel so selfish. Why can’t I just learn to be happy with what we have? But infertility doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t discriminate. See, whether you have no children, 1 child, 2 children or more, the pain of being unable to conceive a much wanted baby is very real. You grieve the life you’ve been unable to create. You hope and pray that one day your dreams will come true.

It seems unbelievable to me that we could one day be so lucky again. Things went so smoothly with our IVF cycle for Noah that my head keeps convincing me that there’s no way we could be that fortunate again. That that would be unfair on other couples who’ve had way harder journeys than ours. But, of course, I hope I’m wrong. As we save up for a frozen embryo transfer (hopefully next year), I try not to think of all the things that could go wrong. Will the embryos thaw ok? Will my lining be ok for transfer? Will the transfer be successful? I just hope that amongst our two frozen embryos is Noah’s future brother or sister.

Our second miracle.