And so it begins….

And so it begins….

So I am literally the worst blogger in the world for not having updated this blog in nearly 2 months! I think if I’m honest I needed a time out. Time to process where my head was at. Until I’d done that I just found it impossible to put words to paper. Nothing sounded right. But now I’m back and honestly I feel like I’m in the best place I’ve been in for a long while! I’m happy. For the first time in ages I can actually say those two words and truly mean it. It feels freeing and it feels GOOD.

Now for an update!

Noah is now nearly 2 years and 4 months old and he is amazing but also hitting the terrible twos majorly! He is adorably cheeky and learning new words and phrases all the time. We have to be extra careful what we say now! Like, for example, the other day Jamie was driving and someone pulled out in front of us nearly causing us to crash and J yelled out “You idiot!!”. Well for the next half hour Noah was angrily yelling “udiot!” to anyone we passed. Luckily I don’t think they realised what he was actually saying. Least I hope not. He’s also so caring, telling us to “be careful!” even if all we’re doing is brushing our teeth.

He’s loving nursery and even has a mini best friend! She goes the same day as him on Wednesdays and his face quite literally lights up when he sees her and he barely even notices me waving goodbye. And so it begins….

Speaking of beginnings….we also have an update on another aspect of our lives. We have officially started our frozen embryo transfer cycle to try for baby number 2! On Wednesday I had a day 21 triptorelin injection to start down regulation and we are on schedule for a transfer in the middle of May! The next stage is to wait for my period to arrive, ring the clinic on day 1 and they’ll book me in to start on estrogen tablets 3 times a day. Before we began I was incredibly nervous but now I’m feeling positive and excited and praying that this is the start of an exciting new chapter for our family!

So that’s you pretty much caught up! I’ll be sure to update more on our FET cycle in more detail and on our family.

Hope anyone who reads this is in a happy place in their lives. If you’re not, don’t be afraid to reach out to people or to take time out for yourselves. Whatever you need.

xoxo

A Day in the Life of a Toddler

A Day in the Life of a Toddler

Ever have those moments when you watch your toddler babbling away and you wonder what they’re really thinking or what they want to say? Well the fact that I went ahead and wrote this may be evidence that I wonder too much!

06:00 – Mummy and Daddy have had enough sleep now. It was hard work keeping them up in the night kicking the walls but I can’t sleep now. After all without me how would they know when to get up?

06:10 – Throwing a tantrum now because I’m too tired. A little whinge wont suffice here. I need to throw myself down to the ground kicking and screaming because…..well, you know, just because.

06:30 – They just changed my nappy so that must mean they want me fill this one up. Wee, poo, it doesn’t matter. Can’t let this nappy go to waste!

07:00 – Mummy is trying to instigate less screen time. I know what she’s up to. Time to shout “Cbeebeebeebies!!” over and over till she relents and puts on Postman Pat. Then she always pours some hot stuff into a cup to drink it right after. Not sure why.

07:10 – After a few minutes of watching Postman Pat have issues with the simple delivery of a parcel yet again (seriously I’m 1 nearly 2 and even I could do better?) I’m bored. This floor looks too tidy. Time to tip some toys all over it. Might even put some in Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom for good measure. They love it when I surprise them with my toys in their bed!

08:00 – Breakfast time! My favourite meal of the day! Time for my- wait where’s my cheerios? Toast! What trickery is this? I like toast but for breakfast I always have cheerios. Mummy knows this so why change a good thing now? Nope this wont do. Tantrum time again…..

But this toast is yummy. She’s let me have some jam as a special treat. Ok maybe I forgive her. Yoghurt time! And why confine it to the pot! Yoghurt makes excellent finger paint. And Mummy loves it when I do my finger painting with my yoghurt. She gets all excited! Though she gets her words mixed up and keeps saying “No” rather than “Yes”. Silly Mummy. She’s been doing that a lot lately.

8:30 – Right that’s breakfast done and it’s nappy filling time again! Mummy’s been trying to get me to use that weird pot thing to go to toilet in lately. Think it’s called a “Potty”. But that’s not happening. I mean she wants me to do my business in a plastic tub? I’m not an animal. I’m quite happy hiding here behind the sofa and pooping into my nappy. Much more civilised.

9:00– Mummy says we need to go to Asda. We need some more milk and bread but for some reason she never just buys that. She buys chocolate, crisps, clothes for me….Maybe there’s a minimum spend limit? I don’t understand. Mummy wont let me bring my bunny with me because she says I’ll drop it like last time. I promise I wont Mummy! She lets me bring bunny, yay!

9:30– I drop bunny in Asda.

Mummy is not impressed. We hunt high and low. I miss bunny. Time to tantrum again. Maybe he’ll hear me and come back.

9:35– Ah there he is! See! He heard me scream and came running to make me feel better. I love you bunny. I wont ever drop you ever again.

9:40- I drop bunny in Asda again.

10:00 – We’re walking home from Asda. I have no idea why that took so long. Mummy is so slow at shopping. Ooooh look a dog. Oh no! It’s getting away. Walk faster Mummy!! “Goggy! Goggy! Goggy!”. The man with the dogs is getting away. Maybe if I shout louder he’ll hear me “GOGGYYYYYY!!!!”.

10:00 – Now we’re home and Mummy’s trying to get me to have my morning nap. Ha! Yeah good luck with that Mummy. I’m too tired to tantrum though so I’ll just whinge and bit and sit here with my bunny and my book and read….for……a…..b-

zzzzZZZZZZZZ………..

12:00– Wait what?! Damn she tricked me into napping again. She’s crafty that Mummy. Quick nappy change and they’re doing that song on Cbeebies that reminds Mummy it’s time for…..

12:15 – LUNCH! Scrambled eggs and toast? Get in! My favourite! What Mummy? You want me to use my spoon, not my hands? But that just slows me down! And I need to eat this yummy scrummy egg as fast as I can. Mmmmm I love egg.

13:30 – Lunch is over, fresh nappy, time for PLAY! It’s sunny today so Mummy has said we can go to the park. I’m so excited! Buggy, buggy, buggy, buggy, PARK!!

13:45 – At the park, got my ball to kick but – ooooooh mud! Maybe if I dig in the mud I’ll find buried treasure. Or even better…..chocolate! Must keep digging! Oh no hear comes Mummy! Nooooo I don’t want to be wiped! I want to diiiiiiiig! Tantrum time.

14:15 – Quick pit stop at the café. Mummy’s brought my bottle of water and some raisins which are yummy but – oooh what’s she eating? That looks yummy and cakey and chocolatey…..I must have some! Maybe if I say please and thank you enough she’ll give me some! Peas? Peas? Ta? Peas? PEAS!! TA!!!

15:00 – Home from the park now. Time for my daily request to watch Frozen. If I charge over to the remote, grab it and shout “Elsa!!” Mummy will get the message. Not sure why she’s groaning. She loves Elsa really. Who doesn’t? Elsa! Elsa! Oooh here’s my favourite song. Love is an open DOOOOOOR…. I have a beautiful singing voice.

16:30 – Mummy’s trying to cook dinner now. She must want my help! Maybe she’ll need these little pots in here. I’ll get them all out for her…. Oh no, she looks cross. Put them back! Put them back! Oh no, why doesn’t throwing them at the cupboard work?!! Hey! Mummy! Put me down! I don’t want to sit and play with my bricks I wanted to heeeeeelp!!! Tantrum time.

17.00 – DINNER!!! Ooooh Sausages! And mash! And- wait. What’s what green stuff? Bleurgh. Mummy’s trying to poison me! I’ll tell Daddy. Daddy! Daddy! He’s at work still? Noooo Daddy! You must saaaaaaave me!

18:00 – I survived dinner. Phew. I managed to throw most of the green stuff on the floor when Mummy wasn’t looking. I think I got away with it. Oooh I hear the door! Maybe it’s Elsa come to rescue me! Oh no it’s just Daddy. Wait- it’s Daaaaaddy!!!! Oh Daddy you’re my favouritest person ever! Mummy’s looked after me all day but you’re simply the bestest ever!!

18:30 – Mummy calls me to do my teeth. Ugh why do we have to do this AGAIN. I only just did them this morning. I’ll just chew the brush. That’s enough. What? You want to brush them? Noooooo! Nooooo! I don’t want clean teeth! I was saving that food for later!!

Mummy runs my bath and WOW look at all those bubbles! Where do they come from? She lifts me into the bath and oooooh I can see a person in the tap! They look like me! Mummy tells me I have to sit down now. Ugh she wants to wash my hair.

Now she’s all done washing me and I can SPLASH!! Splash! Splash! Splash! This room will be my own personal indoor pool oh yes. Splash! Oh no Mummy’s lifting me out now. But Mummy I wasn’t done! I want my poooool!!

18:45 – Mummy & Daddy are dressing me for bed. I keep hiding under the towel and silly Mummy & Daddy keep thinking I’ve disappeared! I’m right here you sillies! So so funny! Oooh these pyjamas feel all nice and cosy and I know what’s coming next…..

19:00 – Bottle!!! Ah warm milky goodness. Makes me feel *yawn* sleepy but I WILL NOT GIVE IN. Mummy’s reading me a story and I love how she does the silly voices. Oh and it’s the zoo one now! I wish the zoo would send me an elephant.

19:15 – Story time’s over now and Mummy tucks me in and tells me I must sleep. But nope. I think now is time to explore my drawers. Oooh nappies! And lotion! And all these clothes! Yup they need to go on my bed. I need it all. Oops here comes Daddy. He looks cross. He’s tucked me back up. I will not give in, I will – not – *yawn* – give -…….. zzzzZZZZZ

01:15 – What was that noise? Wind? A creak? It must be morning!!! Mummy! Mummy! Daddy! Oh Mummy looks tired! It’s not morning? Oh. Sorry. My mistake. But I can’t sleep now. I’m WIDE awake. Cuddle me! CUDDLE ME!! Ahhh that’s better….zzzzZZZZZ

Mum Guilt

Mum Guilt

Why do we do it to ourselves? Lately I’ve felt plagued by Mum guilt. Whether it’s that day I felt poorly so stayed at home and we didn’t go anywhere, or that day when I struggled to deal with Noah’s tantrums and I couldn’t wait till bedtime. Or the day where I had to go into work on a Saturday to catch up and felt guilty that I was missing out on time with my boy even though he was having a blast with his Dad. I just end up feeling so awful at times, like the worst Mum in the world and a lot of us do it. But in reality we are just Mums trying to juggle busy lives and parent the best way we know how.

These feelings got exacerbated lately when, outside my son’s nursery, during a heated debate over parking with the neighbours (in which I was not directly involved) I got told “Well you shouldn’t be sending your son to nursery anyway. You should be looking after him. That’s what we did in my day.”

I’m not going to lie I saw red. I couldn’t believe the audacity of someone to say that without even knowing the reasons why I’d had to send Noah to nursery or anything about me. I’m also not ashamed to say that I cried over it, cried for most of that evening. Think it had hit a nerve as I’d definitely carried a lot of working Mum guilt on my shoulders for a long while. Every time I drop Noah off at nursery I feel an ache in my stomach and I miss him so much. But I have to work. I have to help keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table and I shouldn’t feel guilty about that.

I felt guilty when I struggled to breastfeed. I so badly wanted to breastfeed him but when it came down to it I couldn’t get him to latch comfortably, it hurt so much, my nipples bled a lot and I came to dread him needing a feed. So I stopped. And the guilt hit me in a massive wave and never fully left. But he was well fed, still thrived on formula, so why do I put myself through the guilt?

I feel guilty whenever Noah sees me upset. If he catches me crying I swear he knows and I can see his little face looking puzzled trying to understand what’s going on. He doesn’t understand that I’m just having a bad day. So I feel guilty and try to put a brave face on and not let it show.

I feel guilty if Noah seems behind other children his age. Is it that I’m not doing enough to stimulate him? Am I not playing enough with him? When the truth is all children develop at different paces in their own ways. He’s not particularly behind, he just has different strengths to that child’s strengths.

I feel guilty if I give Noah an “unhealthy” treat. Am I encouraging him to prefer sugar? Is this why he refused to eat his broccoli last night? Do I spoil him too much? I mean come on. What are things coming to when Mums even feel guilty about giving their kids a treat?

I could go on for pages and pages about the reasons I experience Mum guilt but I won’t. Because the reasons, in some ways, are irrelevant. The point I want to make is that, unless you are neglecting or abusing your child, you shouldn’t feel guilty. Whether you have an off day, are struggling to manage your toddler’s tantrums, can’t get them to eat their veggies, whatever it is; you’re only human. You are raising a child and that is bloody hard work and the choices we make as Mums won’t always be perfect and we won’t always get it 100% right. But so what? Our children our happy and well loved and looked after and that is the main thing.

Playgrounds & Playdates

Playgrounds & Playdates

Last week was a pretty fun week in the Martin household. Tuesday was a fairly quiet day with a trip to our regular favourite, the playground. I’ve noticed Noah is getting more adventurous with the equipment he’ll try and making new friends. It’s like he’s growing up right in front of my eyes!

Thursday we had friends round. This is quite a big deal for me, if I’m honest, because, when I was struggling the most with feeling low, I hardly had any friends over. So it was really nice to have Jess come over and to see Noah, at first reluctantly, sharing his toys with her 8 month old. Noah wasn’t sure how to react to another baby sharing his turf at first but then, after a little while, he warmed to baby L and it was so sweet to see. He even tried to give him a hug at one point! This is massive progress considering, at one point, he seemed to have a massive dislike for any babies but, luckily, he seems to be growing out of that! Think it was a jealousy thing…

Friday I had a half day at work, yay, so after I picked Noah up from nursery we came home and got some one on one Mummy & son time which was nice. We cosied up under blankets, watched a movie and had a nice relaxing afternoon.

That evening, as a treat, I served up cheese and tomato pizza, garlic bread and sweet corn for dinner. But, to my amusement, Noah refused to touch the pizza and just honed in on the sweet corn. He must have eaten a plateful of the stuff! I can tell you that his nappies were interesting the next day!

Saturday we had another play date whilst Jamie was working, out this time. It was really nice catching up with Kate & Ruby whilst Noah caused chaos with the other children and he had a really good time. He also got to know Kate’s dog, Alfie, and it was really sweet to see him learn how to stroke him and how caring he was.

Sunday the weather was horrible so, after doing the weekly food shop, we had a day indoors. Noah enjoyed some colouring and I, for the first time ever (I know I’m ashamed) cooked a roast chicken dinner. And it turned out pretty well! Noah and Jamie loved it. Noah made me laugh because, when he had polished off his roast potatoes, he pointed over to my plate and said “ta?”. He wanted mine the cheeky beggar! Of course I couldn’t resist his cheeky grin so handed over a potato, though I probably shouldn’t have.

In general I’m really noticing how fast Noah is coming along now. It frightens me just how quickly he is growing. He is learning more and more words. He has a “first words” pack of flash cards that we regularly go through with him and he can now name most of those and this morning he randomly counted to 3. I am so proud of him. We were also trying to figure out whether he’s going to be right or left-handed (like his Dad). Yesterday, when colouring, he was mostly favouring his left hand but then, at other times, he’ll go for the right. It’s probably too early to tell yet. I’m just learning to savour all these growing moments because, it sounds corny, they really are so precious.