A Day in the Life of a Toddler

Ever have those moments when you watch your toddler babbling away and you wonder what they’re really thinking or what they want to say? Well the fact that I went ahead and wrote this may be evidence that I wonder too much!

06:00 – Mummy and Daddy have had enough sleep now. It was hard work keeping them up in the night kicking the walls but I can’t sleep now. After all without me how would they know when to get up?

06:10 – Throwing a tantrum now because I’m too tired. A little whinge wont suffice here. I need to throw myself down to the ground kicking and screaming because…..well, you know, just because.

06:30 – They just changed my nappy so that must mean they want me fill this one up. Wee, poo, it doesn’t matter. Can’t let this nappy go to waste!

07:00 – Mummy is trying to instigate less screen time. I know what she’s up to. Time to shout “Cbeebeebeebies!!” over and over till she relents and puts on Postman Pat. Then she always pours some hot stuff into a cup to drink it right after. Not sure why.

07:10 – After a few minutes of watching Postman Pat have issues with the simple delivery of a parcel yet again (seriously I’m 1 nearly 2 and even I could do better?) I’m bored. This floor looks too tidy. Time to tip some toys all over it. Might even put some in Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom for good measure. They love it when I surprise them with my toys in their bed!

08:00 – Breakfast time! My favourite meal of the day! Time for my- wait where’s my cheerios? Toast! What trickery is this? I like toast but for breakfast I always have cheerios. Mummy knows this so why change a good thing now? Nope this wont do. Tantrum time again…..

But this toast is yummy. She’s let me have some jam as a special treat. Ok maybe I forgive her. Yoghurt time! And why confine it to the pot! Yoghurt makes excellent finger paint. And Mummy loves it when I do my finger painting with my yoghurt. She gets all excited! Though she gets her words mixed up and keeps saying “No” rather than “Yes”. Silly Mummy. She’s been doing that a lot lately.

8:30 – Right that’s breakfast done and it’s nappy filling time again! Mummy’s been trying to get me to use that weird pot thing to go to toilet in lately. Think it’s called a “Potty”. But that’s not happening. I mean she wants me to do my business in a plastic tub? I’m not an animal. I’m quite happy hiding here behind the sofa and pooping into my nappy. Much more civilised.

9:00– Mummy says we need to go to Asda. We need some more milk and bread but for some reason she never just buys that. She buys chocolate, crisps, clothes for me….Maybe there’s a minimum spend limit? I don’t understand. Mummy wont let me bring my bunny with me because she says I’ll drop it like last time. I promise I wont Mummy! She lets me bring bunny, yay!

9:30– I drop bunny in Asda.

Mummy is not impressed. We hunt high and low. I miss bunny. Time to tantrum again. Maybe he’ll hear me and come back.

9:35– Ah there he is! See! He heard me scream and came running to make me feel better. I love you bunny. I wont ever drop you ever again.

9:40- I drop bunny in Asda again.

10:00 – We’re walking home from Asda. I have no idea why that took so long. Mummy is so slow at shopping. Ooooh look a dog. Oh no! It’s getting away. Walk faster Mummy!! “Goggy! Goggy! Goggy!”. The man with the dogs is getting away. Maybe if I shout louder he’ll hear me “GOGGYYYYYY!!!!”.

10:00 – Now we’re home and Mummy’s trying to get me to have my morning nap. Ha! Yeah good luck with that Mummy. I’m too tired to tantrum though so I’ll just whinge and bit and sit here with my bunny and my book and read….for……a…..b-

zzzzZZZZZZZZ………..

12:00– Wait what?! Damn she tricked me into napping again. She’s crafty that Mummy. Quick nappy change and they’re doing that song on Cbeebies that reminds Mummy it’s time for…..

12:15 – LUNCH! Scrambled eggs and toast? Get in! My favourite! What Mummy? You want me to use my spoon, not my hands? But that just slows me down! And I need to eat this yummy scrummy egg as fast as I can. Mmmmm I love egg.

13:30 – Lunch is over, fresh nappy, time for PLAY! It’s sunny today so Mummy has said we can go to the park. I’m so excited! Buggy, buggy, buggy, buggy, PARK!!

13:45 – At the park, got my ball to kick but – ooooooh mud! Maybe if I dig in the mud I’ll find buried treasure. Or even better…..chocolate! Must keep digging! Oh no hear comes Mummy! Nooooo I don’t want to be wiped! I want to diiiiiiiig! Tantrum time.

14:15 – Quick pit stop at the café. Mummy’s brought my bottle of water and some raisins which are yummy but – oooh what’s she eating? That looks yummy and cakey and chocolatey…..I must have some! Maybe if I say please and thank you enough she’ll give me some! Peas? Peas? Ta? Peas? PEAS!! TA!!!

15:00 – Home from the park now. Time for my daily request to watch Frozen. If I charge over to the remote, grab it and shout “Elsa!!” Mummy will get the message. Not sure why she’s groaning. She loves Elsa really. Who doesn’t? Elsa! Elsa! Oooh here’s my favourite song. Love is an open DOOOOOOR…. I have a beautiful singing voice.

16:30 – Mummy’s trying to cook dinner now. She must want my help! Maybe she’ll need these little pots in here. I’ll get them all out for her…. Oh no, she looks cross. Put them back! Put them back! Oh no, why doesn’t throwing them at the cupboard work?!! Hey! Mummy! Put me down! I don’t want to sit and play with my bricks I wanted to heeeeeelp!!! Tantrum time.

17.00 – DINNER!!! Ooooh Sausages! And mash! And- wait. What’s what green stuff? Bleurgh. Mummy’s trying to poison me! I’ll tell Daddy. Daddy! Daddy! He’s at work still? Noooo Daddy! You must saaaaaaave me!

18:00 – I survived dinner. Phew. I managed to throw most of the green stuff on the floor when Mummy wasn’t looking. I think I got away with it. Oooh I hear the door! Maybe it’s Elsa come to rescue me! Oh no it’s just Daddy. Wait- it’s Daaaaaddy!!!! Oh Daddy you’re my favouritest person ever! Mummy’s looked after me all day but you’re simply the bestest ever!!

18:30 – Mummy calls me to do my teeth. Ugh why do we have to do this AGAIN. I only just did them this morning. I’ll just chew the brush. That’s enough. What? You want to brush them? Noooooo! Nooooo! I don’t want clean teeth! I was saving that food for later!!

Mummy runs my bath and WOW look at all those bubbles! Where do they come from? She lifts me into the bath and oooooh I can see a person in the tap! They look like me! Mummy tells me I have to sit down now. Ugh she wants to wash my hair.

Now she’s all done washing me and I can SPLASH!! Splash! Splash! Splash! This room will be my own personal indoor pool oh yes. Splash! Oh no Mummy’s lifting me out now. But Mummy I wasn’t done! I want my poooool!!

18:45 – Mummy & Daddy are dressing me for bed. I keep hiding under the towel and silly Mummy & Daddy keep thinking I’ve disappeared! I’m right here you sillies! So so funny! Oooh these pyjamas feel all nice and cosy and I know what’s coming next…..

19:00 – Bottle!!! Ah warm milky goodness. Makes me feel *yawn* sleepy but I WILL NOT GIVE IN. Mummy’s reading me a story and I love how she does the silly voices. Oh and it’s the zoo one now! I wish the zoo would send me an elephant.

19:15 – Story time’s over now and Mummy tucks me in and tells me I must sleep. But nope. I think now is time to explore my drawers. Oooh nappies! And lotion! And all these clothes! Yup they need to go on my bed. I need it all. Oops here comes Daddy. He looks cross. He’s tucked me back up. I will not give in, I will – not – *yawn* – give -…….. zzzzZZZZZ

01:15 – What was that noise? Wind? A creak? It must be morning!!! Mummy! Mummy! Daddy! Oh Mummy looks tired! It’s not morning? Oh. Sorry. My mistake. But I can’t sleep now. I’m WIDE awake. Cuddle me! CUDDLE ME!! Ahhh that’s better….zzzzZZZZZ

Noah’s Birth

Between getting plans rolling for our frozen embryo transfer next May and the news that we are expecting a new baby in the family, I’ve been thinking back a lot to when Noah was born. To give a bit of background to his birth, when I was 36 weeks pregnant I was diagnosed with obstetric cholestasis. This led to the decision for me to be induced at 38 weeks….

On the morning of 22nd December we excitedly and nervously headed to the hospital for my booked induction. I’d hardly slept the night before due to a virus and a fever so I was already exhausted and we hadn’t even started the induction yet! At around 9am a midwife examined me before inserting the pessary and we were surprised when she told us that I was already 1cm dilated! We hoped that this was a positive sign for a smooth induction and, with that, the pessary was inserted. And so it all began.

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I was still feeling pretty poorly from the virus so, following the pessary insertion, I decided to rest for a few hours. Around lunch time I prodded Jamie and told him that we ought to try going for a walk to get things moving, so we headed for a walk around the hospital corridors. As we walked I could feel a few twinges and hoped that this was things beginning! Evening came round quickly and I was starting to feel contractions more frequently. I tried timing some and found that they were coming roughly every 5 minutes. I felt so excited that things were happening! Hopefully it wouldn’t be too long before we met our baby boy! Unfortunately we had to change wards due to staffing issues so we were temporarily placed on the postnatal ward. But it couldn’t be helped!

At around 8-8.30pm, Jamie had to leave. As we were still on the ward, partners weren’t allowed to stay past visiting times unless the mother was in established labour which, at this point, I wasn’t. As I kissed him goodbye I felt so afraid. Being in labour for the first time is so daunting, let alone the thought of having to do it overnight alone. He made me promise that I would text him if anything changed and, with that, he was gone.

Slowly the contractions grew stronger. At 10pm I thought that I should try to get some rest but, as I tried to lie down, I knew that I wasn’t going to get any sleep. I began timing contractions again and they were around 3-5 mins apart lasting a minute at a time. They felt pretty intense. The midwife on duty gave me some paracetamol and codeine for the pain but it didn’t really do anything. At 2am I went to the toilet and felt a “gushing” feeling followed by a trickle of fluid. I knew it was my waters. I was also bleeding. I went to the midwives desk and was handed a pad to put on so they could see if it was indeed my waters. Within a few minutes the pad was soaked. As was my nightie and my socks. Yep there was no doubt. It was my waters.

After my waters broke the contractions felt like they’d ramped up a gear. I gave up timing them and focussed on trying to cope with them instead. But in an antenatal ward with sleeping women this was incredibly difficult. I spent most of the night sat on the edge of the bed trying not to make a sound through each contraction as I didn’t want to wake the ladies that were sleeping. I just wanted to cry. I was offered more paracetamol and codeine but, at this point, it was useless. I needed something more but they couldn’t offer me anything else until I was in the delivery suite which had no free beds. My only comfort was I could hear the lady opposite me in a similar position, having also been induced that morning, and I thought to myself “well at least I’m not completely alone in going through this”.

Finally the morning rolled around and Jamie arrived. I had texted him when my waters broke but he slept through the sound of his phone so, upon waking at 6am, he’d read my text and panicked. However, he’d had no call from the hospital so figured things couldn’t have progressed that much. He strolled into the ward looking all fresh and rested and, I’m not going to lie, I wanted to punch him. I felt like hell, was exhausted having not slept in 24 hours and the pain was just intense. “How do people do this with no pain relief?” I thought.

To make matters worse we had to transfer back to the antenatal ward. So there was me, contracting away, trying to walk down the corridor to the ward next door, having to pause for contractions, all the other patients gawping away. Talk about feeling like you’re in a goldfish bowl!

Once we were settled back on the antenatal ward, one of the morning midwives suggested that Jamie took me for a bath and I jumped on the idea! I’d had a bath the evening before, when the contractions were only mild, and it’d helped a lot so hopefully it would do the same now! And it did. It didn’t take away the pain but dulled it somewhat. I’d really wanted a water birth but couldn’t because of the induction so this was a close second. I could’ve literally bitten Jamie’s head off when he told me I’d been in the bath a long time and ought to get out in case anyone else wanted to use it. The first bit of relief I’ve had in hours and you want to take it away from me?! Ok then….. As he helped me back to my bed, one of the midwives spotted me struggling to walk with the contractions and felt it was time to examine me again. To her surprise she discovered I was already 6cm dilated! I felt pretty proud that I had gotten that far with nothing but paracetamol but I definitely felt ready to be moved now!

Around 11am there was finally space in the delivery suite and so, with great relief, we were transferred. We were admitted to the suite by a lovely young midwife and I started on some gas and air as she got me hooked up to the monitor. I’ll be honest, this is where I get fuzzy on timings. I tried my best to manage contractions with the gas and air but they were just getting more and intense and I literally felt like they were coming one on top of each other, I was just getting no respite. I persisted with the gas and air for a while and honestly loved it. It felt like getting tipsy on a couple of glasses of wine. But it wasn’t cutting it for me. After a while I reluctantly requested an epidural.

I had been determined before the induction that I would try to manage on just gas and air. I really didn’t want the restrictions that an epidural would bring. However I had always planned to be open to my feelings at the time and I just couldn’t cope with the intensity of the pain. So I had the epidural. I kept saying to my midwife and Jamie that I felt like I’d failed as I’d caved to an epidural and they kept reassuring me that, no, I was doing a great job but I felt like I was doing it all wrong. Which, looking back, is ridiculous. There’s no wrong way to give birth. All you can do is take every moment of labour and birth as it comes and deal with it as it happens.

After the epidural was administered by the anaesthetist, my midwife examined me again and found that I was 8cm dilated! I was elated. The pain was gone, I felt able to relax a bit and the end felt near! However, my progress began to slow and when I was examined a while later I was stuck at 8cm. Therefore, they decided to start me on a drip to speed up the contractions. Luckily the drip worked and before too long (at least that’s how it felt) I was ready to push.

My legs were lifted into stirrups to help my positioning as, although I had tried to let the epidural wear off a little ready for pushing, my legs were still pretty numb. I waited for guidance from the midwives and pushed when they told me to. Hilariously all I could think in that moment was that it felt exactly as friends had told me it would…..like I was doing a giant poo! I had been pushing a little while when Jamie said to me “come on you have 15 minutes to get him out before it’s Christmas Eve!”. I’m not ashamed to say I may have deliberately squeezed his hand harder than necessary after that. It was 11.45pm. Where had the day gone? It’s weird how time just seemed to have become irrelevant when I was in labour. All the hours/days just moulded into one in my head. It hadn’t even occurred to me that it was nearly Christmas Eve. So for a while longer I pushed and finally, after 45 minutes of pushing, Noah was born at 20 minutes past midnight weighing 8lbs. He was a Christmas Eve baby! The best Christmas present ever.

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Suddenly, what felt like a split second later, the emergency buzzer was sounding. I was haemorrhaging. I knew from my past experiences of working in hospitals what the sound meant and wasn’t surprised to see the room suddenly flood with doctors and midwives. Jamie, however, was more in shock and looked, well frankly, terrified. Still with Noah in my arms, I called him to me and told him to look at our son. And we did. We stared at his beautiful face, little hands and feet whilst the medical team did what they needed to do to stop the bleeding. He was the best distraction.

After what felt like forever, I was stitched up and the bleeding had subsided. I had lost 1.5 litres of blood. Feeling dizzy, I asked Jamie to take Noah as I was scared I was going to drop him. He put on his nappy and baby clothes with the help of the midwife and Noah was settled into his hospital crib. I couldn’t get up due to the ill effects of the haemorrhage and the fact that the epidural was still wearing off, so I was laid on an inco paid and told to rest. They were going to let me stay in the delivery suite for the rest of the night and then I would be transferred to the postnatal ward in the morning. Jamie opted to go home and get some rest and soon Noah and I were left alone.

What upsets me is I don’t have a huge recollection of what followed that night until= the morning. I remember waking to Noah in the night and trying to get to him forgetting that I had no underwear or pad on and a midwife had to come and help me back into bed. She reminded me I needed to ring the buzzer if I required help and left. Jamie returned in the morning and I had a shower and tried to give Noah his first breastfeed. He struggled to latch so we decided to try again later. I have no idea to be honest if he was fed anything in the night or not and that is a huge source of guilt for me. I think he slept the whole time as he was pretty drowsy from the labour, but the fact that I can’t fully recollect, still continues to bug me.

At around 11am on Christmas Eve we were transferred to the postnatal ward from which we were finally discharged on the 27th December. I had required a blood transfusion on Christmas Day and Noah needed IV antibiotics. So we spent our first Christmas in hospital!

But it was worth it.

I was completely in love.
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Everyone says before you have a baby how surreal the experience of giving birth is and it is so true. I couldn’t believe he was finally here. That wriggly, kicking baby in my belly was here and he was gorgeous. And I can’t wait to, hopefully, some day do it all again.

Noah’s getting a cousin!

I can finally share it on here now that they’ve publicly announced, Jamie and I are going to become Uncle and Auntie in May next year! Jamie’s brother and his partner announced today that they are expecting and I couldn’t be happier for them both. So excited to have another addition to the family to spoil and the fact that they will be our first ever niece/nephew makes it even more exciting!

I’m also looking forward to seeing how Noah interacts with his new baby cousin. His previous reaction to babies hasn’t been great so here’s hoping that it’s different this time! He’s also used to having Jamie’s parents to himself so it could be an interesting change of dynamics for him to get used to but change is good and it’s nice that it’s such happy and exciting change.

Plus an excuse to shop for baby items! Not that I need one….

Congratulations Matt & Ruby!

If Toddlers Ruled the World

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I get thinking random thoughts. Today it’s “what would happen if toddlers were in charge?”. So I compiled this list quite literally thinking as a toddler would:

1) Cups of tea would be out and milk would be in. Why do adults drink that yucky brown stuff for? Milk is way yummier and perfect for calming people. Works on me when I’m having a bad day anyway…

2) No more baths! Or at least not the boring shampooing and cleaning part of the bath. Don’t be coming at me with that flannel…. I just want to splash!!!

3) Veggies would be illegal. No seriously present me with that broccoli and I’m presenting you with some handcuffs…

4) No limited screen time. CBeebies, Disney Jr, Frozen, Moana….I want it all and I want it NOW!

5) The word no would be banned. Why do grown ups keep saying no? No you can’t watch more TV, no we can’t go to the park at night, no you can’t play with that plug socket. Just a bunch of kill joys. So from now on everything is YES. Live a little….

6) Toys would be free and plentiful for all. This is a no brainer. If everyone had an endless supply of toys then they would be happy forever! Maybe growed ups wouldn’t be so grumpy if they had Beat Bo to dance with!

7) Chocolate would be an essential part of our daily diet. With veggies now banned we need another substance to take over instead. Chocolate is the ultimate health food. Who needs studies to confirm that when it tastes so yummy. And it gives me so much energy…..

8) Tidiness and Cleanliness would become obselete. Nothing worse than when you’re having lots of fun and some killjoy, a.k.a “Mum”, comes along and ruins it for you by tidying up. Nope toys should just be left everywhere. Saves precious time wasted getting them back out again the following day! And if my dinner leftovers aren’t cleaned off the floor then that could provide me with a handy snack when required! No need to ask!

9) Bedtimes would also be illegal. No explanation necessary for this one. Bedtimes kill fun. Period.

10) Bouncing on the bed would be an Olympic sport. Boing! Boing! Boing! See this is way more fun than the boring runners going round and round and round. And best of all….the gold medals are made of chocolate!

These are a few things that I think might change if toddlers were in charge. Can you think of any more?

Plans!

So excited to share an important date we have in our diaries for next year! Over the weekend I contacted our fertility clinic and booked in the first appointment to get the process going for our frozen embryo transfer! The appointment will be on the 12th March 2019 and we can expected to have our transfer roughly a couple of months after that.

I feel unbelievably excited! It feels like forever that I have wanted to give Noah a sibling and now we finally have some plans in place! And March really doesn’t feel all that long away and by the time Christmas has been and gone, it will fly by!

I am nervous about it too, mainly the possibility that it won’t be successful, but I am doing my best to think positively. I can’t wait for it all. Even the injections. I can’t wait to be pregnant again. To feel the initial flutters, then kicks, to know that a new life is growing inside me. I loved being pregnant with Noah. It was an amazing feeling and honestly one of the best periods of my life.

I can’t wait for the scans, the preparations and the general excitement. I may be getting ahead of myself but, to be honest, I don’t care! I’d rather be over excited and over optimistic than anxious that all may not go to plan.

I just find it so surreal to think that, right now, Noah’s potential brother or sister is frozen in a lab at our clinic. I just hope and pray that one day soon we get to meet them.

Silence Isn’t Always Golden

First I have to start this post by apologising for my lack of posts lately. Those of you that follow me on Instagram or Facebook may have gathered that I’ve been struggling with my mental health lately and you wouldn’t be wrong. Hence my radio silence on here, as I just didn’t know what to say or write or I felt like everything I wanted to say or write just came out as a rambling mess. A bit like this.

Lately my anxiety has been sky high and my moods have been buried low. I find each day harder and harder and it’s become a real effort to just find the strength to put on a smile and get on with my day. But I’ve had to. Noah needs looking after and bills need to be paid. But I do feel incredibly sad. I hate feeling this way. It’s like I’m watching someone else from a distance. It’s just not me.

I feel guilty that I’m not being the best Mum I could be. Sure Noah is well fed, dressed, clean and generally happy but am I playing with him enough? Teaching him enough? Does he know how much I love him? I feel every day I feel this way that I’m failing him.

I debated whether or not to write about my feelings then remembered that I set this blog up to be honest. About motherhood, depression and life in general. Warts and all. My posts won’t always be doom and gloom and I hope there’ll be many happy ones too but, for the moment, this is me.

I’m hoping over the next few weeks my moods will improve. I’ve got a couple of days of work next week to relax and a health in mind telephone consultation on the 20th November, so it’s all steps in the right direction. But for now I know I need to be kind to myself. Self care becomes extremely important. It’s all too easy as a Mum to neglect yourself but if you’re not happy and well cared for then how can you expect to care for a little human being?

I just want to finish off by saying thank you to everyone who has reached out to me with words of support. It all means an awful lot especially in my lonelier moments. Hopefully I’ll be back here with a more positive and upbeat post very soon.

Much love

xoxo