Adjusting

So an awful lot has changed since my previous post in a pretty short space of time. When I last posted I talked about our last frozen embryo transfer, subsequent early loss and how we were planning another transfer for October. Sadly this has now changed. It is now looking like another transfer is on hold, possibly indefinitely. There are reasons behind this, but I won’t go into those right now. It was kind of out of our control and we were initially looking at a delay of until Autumn 2020 but now we are facing the decision of whether we want more treatment at all.

To some people it’s a no brainier. “Of course you want another child!” they say. Or “you can’t let Noah be an only child” “Noah’s so cute, you have to give him a brother or sister!”. But the truth is we’re exhausted. Infertility is exhausting. And, let’s face it, bloody expensive. If we could conceive a child like any fertile couple, then it wouldn’t even be a question in our minds. I’d prob be pregnant with baby number 2 already. In fact whilst we’re on this train of thought, if all had gone as planned we’d prob have a 6 year old and a 4 year old by now. But they didn’t and life rarely does.

And, to be honest, I resent some of those comments we’ve received. I resent how they seem to insinuate that only having one child somehow isn’t “acceptable”. That it’s the worst thing in the world for Noah to not have a sibling. But is it? Is it really? He is fed, clothed, looked after and very much loved. Yes there may be a day where he will wish he had a sibling and it’ll make us sad that we may not be able to give him that, but guess what? We will cope. We will help him come to terms with it as we have had to do.

I thought the pain of infertility would end once we had a child. But boy was I wrong. Yes, having Noah makes it a lot easier, but I still feel a massive weight of sadness from what we have been through this year. My brain won’t let me forget that, right now, I should be nearly 15 weeks pregnant but sadly it wasn’t meant to be.

I could live in that space of sadness, wondering if we will ever get to hold a newborn baby ever again, or I could choose to be happy with the life we have now. We are so blessed to have our gorgeous, happy, cheeky boy and I am so excited for what the future has to offer us with him. I can’t wait to watch him grow, learn new things, start school in two years, go on trips, holidays, experience magical Christmases and birthdays…..I want to soak up all the joy and make the most of it whilst he’s still young. I am tired of his childhood being overshadowed by our sadness. We may have another child one day, we may not. But we can’t live in the future or the past, all we have is now.

So yes, as the title suggests, I’m adjusting. Adjusting to the likely possibility of life with one child, adjusting to the fact that I may never again carry & birth a child, the fact that Noah will most likely have to grow up an only child. And you know what? I’m ok with it. I have had my dark moments and there may still be more to come but, on the whole, I’m ok. Because I have my little family, a little smaller than intended, but we’re here and we’ve so much to look forward to.

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