I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be

So after all the build up to our frozen embryo transfer I hardly ended up documenting it at all on here! Those of you who follow me on Instagram will already know that sadly our cycle didn’t have a happy ending.

On the 22nd May we had a frozen embryo transfer of a perfect 5AA grade embryo we’d nicknamed Frostie.

We were pretty optimistic and hoping that this embryo would become Noah’s future brother or sister. Now we just had to get through the tww! We passed the time with trips to the beach, the park etc anything to keep us occupied.

But in true me fashion, I couldn’t resist testing early. At 5dp5dt I got the first very faint line and I felt so excited.

Over the next few days the line started to progress and I even got 1-2 pregnant on a clear blue digital test! We actually started to believe that this was happening again, I was pregnant!

However by 10dp5dt, when I should have been 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I started to feel concerned. Despite reassurance from Jamie and my Mum, I didn’t feel the tests were progressing as they did with Noah and from days 8-10 past transfer I could hardly see any difference at all. I just couldn’t shake this feeling that something was wrong.

I tried to distract myself and to have faith but I couldn’t shake that niggling feeling.

The next day, 11dp5dt, was our official test day and, at that point, I didn’t have anymore first response tests to take, so I took another clearblue digital. It still only said 1-2 and again I had that sinking feeling. At this point Noah’s digital test had said 2-3 weeks. I knew that every pregnancy is different but I still felt that it just wasn’t right. The next day I spoke to the clinic and they wanted me to wait a few days and test again and see what was what. However, the next day I did a basic digital test and it came up with “not pregnant”. I knew that it was over. At 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant I had lost little Frostie.

My feelings were raw at that moment. I saw those words come up and just cried. I couldn’t believe that this had happened. A few days before I had been picturing a new baby arriving into our lives in February 2020 and now that dream was shattered. Frostie was gone. I had already loved them so much, felt so excited for who they would become. I really struggled to reconcile my feelings. As it was such an early loss I really didn’t feel I had a right to how devastated I felt but, even though our baby hadn’t even properly formed at that point, to us they were still our baby. Our little Frostie.

I informed the clinic and they said I could stop all meds and just wait to bleed. About 4 days later it started. It was all officially over. Luckily we had booked to go to a Hugh Jackman concert and it was the massive distraction we needed. We had a lovely time despite the inner sadness we felt.

A few weeks later we booked in our follow up appointment with my consultant. And to be honest it was a really helpful appointment. I had had my latest thyroid results that morning and they were still borderline so they upped my levothyroxine medication to 50mg. He also advised that I should try to lose a bit of weight to help with my thyroid. I also informed him of the history of lupus in my family for which he ordered a blood test. But oddly he was very reassuring. He said it was a positive thing that I’d gotten pregnant twice, even though I’d miscarried, as it is unlikely that there are any implantation issues. He said it was most likely that there was something genetically wrong with Frostie that nobody could have prevented. It is just sadly “one of those things”.

Looking forward we have one more embryo we want to attempt a final transfer with. We have already nicknamed that embryo “Bo” short for Rainbow. We hope they will become our much loved and wanted rainbow baby. Our consultant said that he wants to wait for me to have 2 normal periods before we begin and he wants to see my thyroid levels well within the normal range also. I’m still waiting for my first period (on CD49 and counting argh) but am trying to be patient. To be honest the wait is doing me good, giving me time to process all that’s happened. And Jamie too. This whole thing has been tough on our relationship so it’s good that we’ve had this time for us before we move on to the next transfer.

So it seems most likely that the transfer could be in October with a July baby if it works but it all depends on how my cycles behave. I’m not going to lie I’m absolutely terrified. We only have one embryo left and there’s no guarantee it’ll even survive the thaw but I’m trying to have faith and hope that Bo will make it, that they are the rainbow baby we’re meant to have. Roll on October.

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