Feeling the Fear….about having a second child

So if you’ve been following this blog a while then you may know that we are planning to try to add to our family pretty soon! Noah was conceived via IVF and we have 2 frozen embryos from that cycle, one of which we hope to transfer in May. Whilst that seems ages away yet, the first appointment to kickstart the process is in March and it feels like it’s coming up fast!

Now don’t get me wrong, I am unbelievably excited at the possibility of being pregnant again and having another baby but there’s also a part of me that’s out and out terrified. You see, when Noah was born, I struggled. In fact I began to struggle even before he was born. I remember when I was heavily pregnant with him, waking up in the middle of the night thinking “what have we done?”. I was so anxious about the impending onset of responsibility and whether I was up to the task. I knew I loved my unborn son deeply and I was excited to meet him, but the fear was there.

Then he was born. And I was wrapped up in adoration for this tiny little human who depended on me for everything. But before long, the sleepless nights, resulting tiredness and postnatal hormones had me feeling so low. I’d struggled with depression before but this time I really couldn’t comprehend why I felt this way. This baby was everything I’d ever dreamed of during the 4 long years it took to conceive him, so why did I feel this way?

To cut a long story short, over time things eventually improved but now I find myself scared of history repeating itself. What if I can’t handle the tiredness again? What if my depression rears its ugly head? I feel like it robbed me of so many precious treasured moments with Noah, I don’t want to repeat that. Then there’s also the transition from raising one child to two, finding a new routine and adjusting to life as a family of four.

I feel like I keep looking for someone to come along and reassure me that, this time, things will be different. I am no longer that scared first time Mum who didn’t have a clue. I’ve done it once before, I can do it again! Right? Even if, at first, it seems like things are out of control, we will figure it out. We can do this.

I feel like I have lived so many stages of my life feeling afraid. My anxiety has put me off doing so many things, I don’t want it to put me off doing this too. If there’s one thing I feel like I am actually quite good at, it’s being a Mum. I may not be perfect but it feels right. It feels like (at the risk of sounding corny) that it was meant to be. So why am I afraid? Maybe it’s because I care? Because I’d love any children we have so much and I would want to give them the best lives possible? Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m afraid. After all, the truly neglectful parents, they don’t care about their neglect.

I know deep down that everything will be ok. I wont fall apart if I get depressed again and I wont let my children down. We will find a new routine and we will be just fine as a family of four. It’s natural to feel anxious at the prospect of having another baby. It doesn’t feel ok to admit it but it is natural. Whether it’s your first, second, third, fourth etc…the feelings are valid. Another child is always a major responsibility whichever way you look at it.

So if you’re reading this, maybe pregnant and feeling anxious about what lies ahead, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. I felt similarly anxious during my first pregnancy and no doubt, if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will feel anxious this time too. It’s all normal and ok. I wish I had known that when I experienced it. But just remember these words that a friend once said to me…

“you’ve got this”.

always happy to be in your shadow

A much needed Birthday & Christmas update!

Hope you all had lovely Christmases & New Years, sorry I’ve been a bit absent on here of late! I definitely owe you all a big update so get comfy!

Noah’s birthday was on Christmas Eve and I’m still a bit in denial that our baby boy turned 2. I think I was even more emotional on this birthday than I was for his first! The night before I’d laid out our living room with his presents and a load of balloons as he loves the things. Well when he first got up he beelined for the balloons and didn’t care about the presents! I joked to Jamie that we should’ve just wrapped up a box of balloons and had done with it!

For lunch, when his presents were finally opened, we headed out for a McDonalds treat. And he loved it!

In the afternoon his Grannie popped over to wish him a happy birthday (sadly Grandad was ill in bed) and we enjoyed some cake and fizz (the fizz being for the grown ups!). Noah loved his Frozen themed cake (made by Jamie’s lovely and very talented colleague Mishka) and he loved eating it even more!

That evening he was shattered from all the fun and excitement and after we got him all tucked up in bed in his Christmas pjs it didn’t take him that long to fall asleep!

All ready for Santa to appear that night!

Unfortunately, come Christmas Day, Noah seemed a bit overwhelmed and didn’t really want to open anymore presents. He still doesn’t really understand the whole concept of birthdays and Christmas yet so I think it was all a little too much excitement. But he did open a few presents and get into the Christmas spirit with some dancing to some Christmas tunes over breakfast! (his favourite banana pancakes!)

For the rest of the day we headed to Jamie’s parents and had a lovely Christmas lunch and Noah enjoyed being spoiled by Grannie & Grandad.

All before he was mince pied out!

So, all in all, it was a pretty quiet family Christmas this year, just what we needed. Boxing Day we returned to Jamie’s parents and Noah inadvertently ended up sleeping over, and we spent the rest of the break relaxing as a family and mentally preparing for the onset of 2019!

Happy New Year everybody and I hope 2019 is happy year for you all.

love

The Martins

xoxo